


bread porn

by La_Noceur (orphan_account)



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: (also known as bagels?), Bread, Bread Sex, Cock Rings, Hand Jobs, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 01:30:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12201225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/La_Noceur
Summary: i have a lot of regretsbut this isnt one of them(yet)





	bread porn

Simon liked butter. Simon  _ really  _ liked butter. However, never in his wildest dreams did he imagine he’d ever enjoy the ecstasy of bovine lactational products in such a manner. In fact, if he’d been asked in any other situation whether he’d want to have Basilton Grimm-Pitch taking a butter knife to his ass, he’d have kinkshamed you, and he really wasn’t one to shame others for such things. 

 

Apparently, he didn’t mind, or even think twice, when it was Baz asking. Which, considering the fact that he had a tendency to bicker with aforementioned boyfriend, really was startling. The stick of butter glistened, perspiring in the heat of the room, and Simon’s gaze followed a droplet that rolled off of its smooth surface, pooling around it suggestively.

 

“You want to have a threesome.” He clarified, looking up at Baz seriously. “Me, you, and bread.” Baz nodded, equally sincere, and the intensity in his eyes was enough to pool his own butter, in a way. 

 

“Yes, now let me butter you up, darling.” He placed the materials on a dresser, and they hastily undressed, fumbling with buttons and belts in our eagerness. Simon wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but there was a fancy looking butter knife, and butter, a plain scone, a bagel, and a slice of wonder bread, so he was pretty sure it’d be a good time.

 

Baz was never one to talk much in bed, whereas Simon was always a babbler, so they kind of balanced out, in a way. Still, Simon was more than a little bit curious as to where this was going when Baz nestled himself between his thighs, garbed in a deadly serious expression and holding the butter. It was barely firm, softening by the moment. He pressed gently into the surface of the substance with the blunted utensil, picking up a smear of butter and pressing it onto Simon’s abdomen. 

 

He shivered at the lukewarm feeling, slowly dripping down his stomach and towards his hips. It was a surprisingly arousing sensation, but definitely not over-stimulating. Comfortable, almost, he thought as Baz smeared another line of the slick substance down his body. It wasn’t a smooth line, breaking in places and clotting in others, but that was part of the excitement. 

 

That's when the vampire leaned forward, pressing his mouth to his boyfriend’s buttery stomach and smoothing the layer of butter into a fine, even coating. Simon felt as though he was soaring , knees clamping around Baz’s hips and holding him in place as he worked, the butter starting to melt and trail down his sides. 

 

Baz smirked up at him, mopping it up with a slice of wonder bread. Simon whimpered, his wings flapping behind him urgently. He had never been able to control them, which really was a shame, because it meant Baz could read him like a fucking book. He busted the bagel into play, sliding Simon’s cock into the bagel hole as he struggled to stay still. “Baz, nngh, oh my god, how did you even come up with this shit,  _ merlin… _ ” 

 

Baz looked about as smug as one can be, when licking butter off of another man’s body. He pressed a slab of the hastily-melting golden material around his balls, causing him to swallow back a moan and tilt his head to the sky, groaning softly. It dripped into dangerous territory as 

Baz grabbed the scone. 

 

_ No way no way no way is he going to try to- _

 

He did. Simon bit his lip and keened as Baz pressed the tip of the triangular scone against his hole, already feeling tense and full, ready for release but blocked by the bagel around his dick. He gasped as it penetrated just slightly, causing his outermost sphincter to clench around the brittle material. It crumbled, and he relaxed the tense muscles as best he could. 

 

The scone was rough, rubbing against all his walls in a way that made him totally forget about the butter slathered across him, stimulation pouring straight into his confined dick. He whined as Baz carefully pushed the scone in further, stopping if Simon flinched too hard or it started to crumble. 

 

He panted heavily, before the scone was mostly slid inside of him, definitely not penetrating as deeply as he’d wish, but definitely stretching him out and scratchy in a pleasant way. 

 

“Baz...what the fuck...take off, take...” He panted, “Take off the bagel,  _ please, Baz, hnn…”  _

 

“Is that what you want,  _ Snow _ ?” Baz inquired, voice heavy with sex. Simon nodded frantically, throat bobbing as he choked back moan upon moan.

 

_ “Fuck…”  _ Simon groaned, as Baz lightly touched the bagel, moving it up and down his shaft tantalizingly slow. His eyes squeezed shut as Baz pulled the bagel over his head, causing his hips to buck up towards it again, begging for attention. At this point, the butter had melted off of him and was dripping into the sheets with his sweat, burned off from the exertion. The air was heavy with evaporated butter, but Baz didn’t seem bothered by the humidity, taking hold of Simon’s dick and squeezing gently upwards, towards the head as he inserted two fingers into his hole and slowly, teasingly pulled out the scone. 

 

He could feel the crumbs digging into his back as he moved, sticking to his body and sending pinpricks of pain coursing through him. That’s when Baz actually got down to business, replacing the scone with his own cock and gently bucking into him, friction increased by the scone crumbs still present inside of him. They were both flinching at the pain/pleasure from the whole ordeal as Baz rocked into him, and it wasn’t long before they both came, blindingly hard. 

 

Baz extricated himself from Simon, and they both panted heavily for a moment, coming down from the high as they came to terms with the mess they’d made. 

  
“Merlin, I just put a bagel on your dick.”   
  
“And I  _ liked  _ it.” The two made eye contact for a brief, horrifying moment, before Baz swiped up an armful of ‘lightly used’ bread products and trashed them with a look of disgust. 

 

“We never speak of this again.” Baz swore, and Simon nodded, a sly grin appearing on his face.

  
“Until next time, at least.” He responded. 

 

“Next time?”


End file.
